nekare

The boy broke up with me, so i obviously feel like absolute crap, and i'm not likely to stop crying at anytime soon.

It's just - it's not that i can't see his arguments, and god knows it's been hard, but if i love him, and he loves me back, which i know he does, shouldn't we hold on? Why do we have to be so scared of the future and commitment? Why do borders and fucking visa requisites have to exist? All i want is to be able to go to bed with him every night and read while he watches football and have lazy sundays in bed and fight about lamb being gross.

So this is the worst fucking time to find out how really sure i was of him being it, because all i could think when i was driving home yesterday with my stomach in knots after he said he wanted to talk was that what if it was a good thing, what if he just said to hell with it and said let's get married, and after a lifetime of being terrified of commitment i thought 'yes, i would say yes.' i wish i'd told him before that picturing him with my ring on his finger made me so stupidly giddy.

He had- or has, i suppose, plane tickets to come here on the 31st, and i quit my job to show him around and to go stay with him for a few months in february and try to get a job. So part of me is also fucking mad. The rest of me just wants to curl up and cry and read fluffy fic to torture myself a bit more, so that's what i'm going to do.